Category Archives: Lessons

Derailed

How does it happen to you? You wake up and you’re just drifting, trying to stay afloat. It’s September 2017. I am a few months shy of being separated for a year and a half from the one who had my heart. I signed up for an online study reading, She’s Still There, by Chrystal Evans Hurst. It couldn’t have come at a better time.

I just finished reading chapters 4 and 5. The discussion is about drifting. Drifting off course. Drifting through life. I found myself writing in the margins of the book “WOW” beside many paragraphs in these two chapters. To say my life has drifted is an understatement. My life derailed. And in SO many ways. From feeling sucker punched in 2016 to people I called family and friends for many years shocking me with their actions. Words sounded nice, but behavior spoke differently. I didn’t make snap decisions based on emotions. Decisions to unfriend, leave and move on were made over time when I realized behaviors weren’t going to change no matter what they ‘said’. These losses come with the territory no matter how differently or evolved we want a situation to be…right?? It still hurts. Like I said – DERAILED.

Chapters 4 and 5 of the book got me thinking…is this how marriages wind up with legal fees and divorce attorneys? All because of drifting? There are so many powerful statements in these chapters regarding drifting: “blinded by the excitement of something different and new”, “drifts happen when we get distracted”, “preoccupied by something that isn’t good for us”, “distractions seem more exciting than the rhythm of the everyday, the boredom of the expected, the ongoing discipline to accomplish something worthwhile”, “distractions will attempt to avert your eyes”, “deception occurs when we’ve grown accustomed to the distraction”. I mean WOW. Lots of thought provoking words here. And all they make me think is – weak.

My favorite line between these two chapters and all of those scary words is, “The antidote for distraction is focus – the choice to pay attention and live aware.” Now this feels strong. Living with intention. Loving with intention. Living well and loving hard is a daily choice. It is not easy to love (and live with) one person, by choice, for all the days you’ve promised them. Life isn’t easy. Listen to me, no really, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?! Easy Street does NOT exist. Life. Takes. Work.

Each chapter in the book has verses listed at the end. It’s been nice spending time with each verse and marinating in what its meaning is saying to me. One from chapter 5 that caught my attention was in 1 Peter chapter 3 when verse 11 ends with, “Search for peace, and work to maintain it.” I already know Peaceful Way is a place I want to reside for all eternity. I’ve felt peace flit around in my life and I’d like for it to come and stay. It’s a feeling like no other. So how do you make that happen when your life has derailed?

There are questions for each chapter too. When asked about drifting, I could check them all off. I’m definitely in a current ‘drift’. Caught in the minutiae. A feeling of mundane. And I’m so ready for it to end. I’m ready to move on. But this drift is starting to feel like a whirl pool. If it’s not divorce, it’s health. If it’s not health, it’s finances. I mean, hello peace? I’m available!

There have been a lot of encouraging verses all throughout the first part of this book. Right now, all I can do is take a step. Focus on right now. I don’t have all of the answers, but I am aware of my drift. Even just doing this study has felt good for the soul. It’s a step in the right direction. My soul needed it.

As Pinterest says, “At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.” “I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit it up myself.” although there was a cursive word after lit and in place of it – that rhymes with witch (in case you were wondering). ๐Ÿ˜‰ This definitely is not the life I thought I would be living at 34 years old, but good grief it will become a life I love again – somehow. “Honey I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.” Thanks, Tay Tay. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

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The Cliff

There is a moment. I don’t really know how long this moment is. I’m in this place I’ve never been before. It feels peaceful, but it doesn’t at the same time. I feel the wet sand between my toes as I’m sitting at the edge of the sea on a beach. I scrunch my toes up letting the grit mush between my toes. It feels nice. I close my eyes and listen to the water lap the shore. It sounds nice.

I look around and take it all in. There is expanse. If I glance to the right the view is breathtaking. The deep gray-blue sea meets the horizon. It looks like twilight. The sea is calm, bay-like. The sky is amazing filled with purple, orange and pink. The purple is deep and turns deeper as I run the panoramic image with my eyes. The space feels large, but it also doesn’t. There is a cliff across the sea from where I sit. I could stand and walk around the beach to it. It wouldn’t be a far walk. But I don’t want to. It look ominous. It’s dark gray and has lots of sharpness to it. The juts in and out of the cliff almost appear scale-like. It is not overly inviting.

It’s then I feel another presence. I look to my side and there he sits. Tears spring to my eyes. It’s been a while. He doesn’t visit often. In fact, I can only recall a handful of times over the last seven years I’ve received a visit. He puts his long arm around me and I lean into him. My head rests on his shoulder. The sobs pour out of me suddenly, uncontrollably. A needed release. I let go.

Time passes, I’m not sure how much. We are simply together. Sitting. Quietly. I begin to hear a low rumble in the distance. I look out above the cliff and understand why the sky was a deep purple. Another storm is coming. Another. That is my realization. Another. Not a storm is coming, but another. I turn and look at my father tears still spilling down the sides of my face. I’m scared. He knows. I see all the understanding of the world in his eyes. His eyes ache for me, yet are filled with an understanding of peace I am not yet privileged to know.

I feel the hand of his arm around me tighten on my shoulder. A sense of dread begins to swell in the pit of my stomach. Without a word, he raises his other arm and points to the cliff. My eyes follow his hand. I bow my head shaking it at the same time. No, I try to communicate to him. He keeps is gaze forward. I feel his grip loosen on my shoulder as his hand drops. I inhale closing my eyes. I want to stay. Here. With him. I want to continue to feel his big arms around me engulfing me as they always did when I was a little girl. It is safe there.

I am angry. I can’t look back over at him. His message saddens me. I feel my heartbreak all over again. I’m not done. This battle isn’t over yet. I stand. The water rushes at my feet covering my ankles. I sink a little into the sand. If I stay in that position too long, my feet won’t be able to move the deeper they sink into the wet sand. I take a moment to look down at my dad still seated in the sand. He nods. I sigh.

I begin walking along the shore to the cliff. The cliff seems to grow before me. It’s going to be one hell of a climb. And with a storm brewing no less. You can feel the electricity in the air. The dread in my stomach grows into a dull ache. Halfway, I stop and glance back at my father. His cheeks are glistening, but his eyes are so certain. I mouth I love you to him. He smiles. He knows this already.

I continue forward. I reach the cliff. Taking in a deep breath, I place my hands on its rocky surface and begin to climb…

 

Secondary Grace

As I wrap up this season of giving & receiving, I find myself contemplating my favorite little ‘P’ word, Perspective. It wasn’t but a couple of years ago that word never passed my lips without my infamous eye roll (I was told quite recently ago, I’d perfected the eye roll. I snidely responded it was good to know your strengths, finishing with a smirk and my roll; I’m sure leaving a lasting impression). Perspective…’a particular attitude’…I remember in college learning that perception is reality, though reality is rarely perception. That’s a scary thought. Does anyone have a grasp on what’s real then?

I know what’s real to me and you know what’s real to you. How can two people experience the exact same thing having two completely different perspectives. Therefore creating two different realities. What, in all of that, is actually real? I’ve experienced this firsthand: living same life experiences with someone and having two completely different realities. Our perspectives were devastatingly opposite. Not an easy feat, and we lost.

I thought Christmas might be hard this year, considering the loss. Surprisingly, I’ve had a good season. Quite the opposite of hard actually, I’ve been told (a couple of times) I have a glow about me. I was also asked “How did you get so strong?” the other day.ย Crazy, it’s all a matter of perspective. Truth is, my life is an utter mess right now. And don’t you dare ask about my future plans. You’re likely to get an eye roll (I have no damn idea). Future = murky, so don’t ask. But in all this ugly mess, I realized the other day what it is I feel, joy. Yes, in all that chaos you just read, while living the epitome of ‘I don’t have a damn clue what’s happening in my life’ and in the midst of experiencing a huge life disappointment, I feel joy.

In all of this, there is gratefulness in my heart. Each day I notice things, usually little things. It’s those little things that make me smile. They keep me grateful. And I’ve found as long as I keep grateful in my heart, it’s hard not to feel joy. Even in dark, difficult, nasty moments (and I have plenty of those too) because I keep grateful & joy close by, dark, difficult & nasty find it hard to stay around for very long. Perspective. It’s the light switch in life. There are really only two choices with perspective. On or off.

One of my favorite gifts this year is a mantra bracelet given to me by the one who is the right to my left. This woman brings sincerity and sarcasm to my tribe. And I adore every ounce of her compassionate soul. After all life has decided to throw my way over the last 6 years, she nailed it. My perspective: She believed she could, so she did โค 1225161835_hdr222

And I do. Everyday. It’s a choice. And Dark still visits. I welcome him. Invite him in for a spell, sit with him, embrace him, but then I tell him when he’s overstayed his welcome. There is no easy in any of this. It’s all very, very tough.

After finishing Christmas with my most favorite human to ever exist, I went and saw Collateral Beauty. Let me tell you now, if you haven’t seen it yet (believe it only opened a week ago so not sure why you haven’t seen it yet), but you absolutely MUST see it as soon as you can get your rear end in a movie theater seat. There are so many layers to the story. And without ruining much, three of the most important characters play roles in our everyday lives: Love, Time & Death. Life is the most exquisite tragedy of all time. We will all experience joys and sorrows along the way. The ultimate definition of bittersweet. And how you feel it, experience it, and live it is all a matter of your perspective.

So…are you on or are you off? It usually doesn’t happen in a grand, defining moment. It’s after-the-fact, like a slow awakening. It’s in the little things. The collateral beauty, many times the less obvious, a secondary grace. The things that are undoubtedly harder to see in the tragic moments, but they’re also undeniably difficult to un-see once you begin to realize them…

Grace was given for us and to us. Secondary grace is what we choose to give ourselves. And you’re worth it. Know it. Believe it. Do it. And ‘Keep Pounding’ doesn’t hurt either ๐Ÿ˜‰