Just gonna give it straight…LOADS of Mommy Guilt this morning. This morning was really just a Mommy FAIL morning. Ever have those? You feel like you just don’t get it right? I’m not talking about the ‘things aren’t going my way’ scenarios or ‘the world is against me today’ thing. I’m talking zero patience, zero understanding, zero compassion, zero grace. I’m talking about spending a mere 1.5 hours with your child first thing in the morning before preschool, you’re acting their age being just plain snippy and mean, and when you FINALLY make it to drop off and sit back down in your car and you just bawl. You release that ugly thing that was sitting inside you.
To think I woke up this morning, looked at my Timehop and teared up to a picture of me and my little guy 3 years ago. He was only 1 and had cheeks you just wanted to devour. His face was lit up with a huge smile. His face still lights up like that when he smiles. If only my morning had continued with those tugging of the heart strings…
Back in the car, the tears shed you of the Mommy Beast and then what are you left with? Mommy Guilt. Ugh. It’s an ugly, terrible cycle. Now you spend time beating yourself up for not showing that sweet little creature more compassion before dropping him off. This isn’t the way you want him to start his day. He deserves more of you. He deserves better from you. It’s certainly not what God would want for you and your child. Sound familiar? I had one of those mornings this morning.
OK. Sigh. Now inhale. And exhale. Sigh again. Breathe.
Once I’m tired of beating myself up, I immediately start doing what I should have done when I felt my mommy patience running thin. I start talking to God. I desperately needed Him to talk back this morning. It quickly became obvious He knew that. Listening to a CD a dear friend burned for me, track 16 catches me. Makes me hold my breath. It’s my prayer this morning in the form of a song: ‘Hold Me Near’
When I go to YouTube it I see who it was uploaded by – iamwonderfullymade10. SHEW. The significance here is my baby started pre-k this week. The verse on his classroom calendar is Psalm 139:14 “I am wonderfully made.” We’ve been working on this verse at home talking about it and saying it in our nighttime prayers. We wrote it the other day on our chalkboard we keep out and he wanted to write his name with it. When we did it, I thought what a perfect reminder. I sure wish I’d recalled this, this morning when all I saw was red with my trying 4 year old.
I felt the need to get lost in the Word for a bit. I needed some guidance. I pulled out an old devotional I haven’t looked at in close to a year. It’s Lysa TerKeurst’s ‘Unglued’. I flipped to my bookmark where I’d left it last. It was about conflict resolution. I wasn’t sure if I would find the guidance I was seeking, but I kept on reading. The prayer at the end spoke to me the most “Dear Lord, please help me be a Jesus girl who rises up and gives grace when I am tempted to do otherwise. I want to reveal Your power at work in my response. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” Well, if that wasn’t just the prayer I needed this morning…
I looked up the verse the devotion referenced (Ephesians 6:19). What I found in that chapter hit me like a ton of bricks. Ephesians 6:4. It’s about parenting. My bible’s verse explanation at the bottom of the page hurt even more, “it takes lots of patience to raise a child in a loving Christ-honoring manner” and it said to also look at Colossians 3:21. The explanation of that verse talks about handling children with care. Oh my. I hear You.
Soooo, I need to work on my patience. Period. This morning I need to give myself a little grace. We are all wonderfully made. It doesn’t make us perfect, but I’m not so sure if we knew perfect we’d know to appreciate wonderful too.